Do you live your own dreams through your children?
This is a risky way to raise children and it is destructive for your children and for you.
Often you do not understand what you are doing.
Children who feel compelled to live depending on the dreams of their parents will often feel extremely inside.
Because they want to please their parents.
resentment, frustration, and even rage - these are emotions when they recall their childhood.
If you put pressure on your child to realize your dreams, time to stop and start again.
It's never too late to change everything.
Here are 9 steps to help you.
- Find out why you are forcing your child to do what you once wanted to do.
This is an opportunity to meet face to face with the motivation that forces you to do so.
The urge to live your life through a child is often a contradictory mixture of wanting the best for your child, forgetting that your dreams were better for you and not for the child.
Together with the search for satisfaction from something special expensive, but also incomplete by you.
When you do not recognize this, you feel protected, and if you acknowledge, you will immediately begin to blame yourself.
But no, guilt won't help here.
This is about recognizing that you are trying to live through your child, and recognizing that you need to change something, and, accordingly, gaining an understanding of what you need to change.
How to do it ?!
- firstly, be honest in your dreams that you have not achieved.
This may not be easy to understand, especially if you created a protective dome around what you missed, failed or didn’t finish, or just did it without making enough effort, although you could do better.
For example, you may consider that you missed the auditions at the conservatory because you were ill, but deep down you know that you did not go there because you were not called and the illness is a convenient excuse.
Or the coach told you that you have holes in your hands for playing basketball or you have a lot of weight to practice ballet.
Therefore, you take out your grievances, forcing your child to engage in activities where you are unlucky.
- secondly, determine which of the missed opportunities you transferred to your child.
You may not have entered or dropped out of the university, and now you want your child not to "make the same mistake."
The fear behind it makes you worry.
Directing the child towards something (for example, getting a higher education), what you think will help him in life and is a sign of parental support.
But on the other hand, a parent, driven by his own fears, can make his child see his life only as his parents tell him.
- thirdly, remember that it was impossible to do something to talk about because of the influence of your family.
As you grow older, you may not even have tried to raise such questions, knowing that it was useless.
The inability to act in relation to hidden desires can often manifest later in life when you gain control over another person, i.e. parent-child relationship.
Have you ever caught yourself saying to your child: “I never did what you can do. Are you very lucky, ”or just often think that your children have great opportunities that you never had?
Moreover, have you ever experienced a feeling of jealousy when your child approaches or reaches the goal you aimed at?
- finally, in the fourth, pay attention, do you ignore your child’s real talents without paying attention to them because of your ideas about “preferred” actions or options?
Of course, all this can lead to the achievement of YOUR dream, but this will not allow the natural expression of the child’s own talents.
2. Face all missed opportunities.
Before you start focusing on ways to separate your dreams and your child’s life, give yourself a chance to let go of your unfulfilled dreams.
This process can be painful, in principle, it will be so, as you will go through the stages of denial, anger before you reach acceptance.
Give yourself a chance to mourn your lost childhood, understanding that you have missed your childhood dream.
Recognize how much it means to you that you have never been the captain of a sports team or have not participated in the Russian language Olympiad.
Just letting yourself express negative feelings about what you missed is already an important beginning.
Often talking about your fears and sadness with someone who cares about you is a really good way to free yourself from what you carry with you.
- firstly, you can express the pain of your loss,
- and secondly, this person will often be able to show you what you have already achieved, despite your sadness or anger at what you did not do. Choose someone who will not judge you and loves you unconditionally.
3. Start with the question “What would you like to be now?”
Each person regretted some things, but the difference is not what to regret, but how the person reacts.
Having a suitcase of unfulfilled dreams can cross out the rest of your life.
If you are too inclined to mourn over unfulfilled desires, this process may be delayed because you allowed the past to influence you.
Therefore, it is necessary to change.
Focus on the parent you want to be, and not on fulfilling a dream that you think would completely change you.
Tell your inner child that it is time to move forward to mark which parent you want to be.
It's okay to take care of yourself, but you can do it more efficiently if you allow your adult and parent to take responsibility.
Turn your pain into gratitude.
Once you have done something to let go of your pain, think about what you have done in your life.
You will remember many achievements, even if you have not recognized them before.
For example, raising your child is a precious, ongoing moving achievement that deserves to be celebrated.
4. Identify areas where you have mixed your desires with the desires of your child.
Most likely, if your child is a schoolchild, of age, he has some degree of independence, and he has some talents.
It doesn’t matter whether it is a football field, ballroom or classroom, try to identify areas in which you may have ignored your child’s true desires or talents, and transferred yourself to his place. Find the results related to what you wanted, and not what your child is best for.
Think about how far you went in your desire to live through your children.
For example, do you go so far that you push your child to contests, even if he clearly said that he can not stand them?
Look for both explicit and not-so ways with which you directed your child in the direction you defined.
Try to fit into your child’s place.
In some cases, children who succeed in something that they don't like at all do it only because it is an opportunity to spend time with their parents, a time that they desperately crave and may not receive from their parent in any other area. of life.
Therefore, the fulfillment of the fact that mom or dad is equivalent to receiving interest and attention from mom or dad, and agreeing to do more of this means to get even more attention.
Moreover, if your child feels that your love depends on achievements, the child runs the risk of never feeling good enough in your eyes.
Consider asking for a third-party opinion.
Sometimes it’s hard to really understand if you are trying to fulfill your dreams through your children or not.
Ask your spouse or close family member for an honest opinion.
Your loved ones know about your personal prejudices and goals and can take this into account.
5. Be very careful to transfer your own inner feelings of shame or lack to your child.
If you spend a lot of energy focusing on the negative aspects of your child, because you are afraid that other people will see these sides and associate them with you personally, you risk turning your child into an intermediary for your own position in society.
Not paying attention to how to help the child identify his strengths and weaknesses, and forcing the child to focus only on certain personality traits that you think are appropriate, you risk permanently harming your child’s self-esteem.
Ultimately, trying to form an ideal for your child will hurt your relationship, now and in the future.
Instead, focus on guiding your child toward constructive behavior and self-expression without creating a lot of negativity.
Never be ashamed or embarrassed if your child fails.
Children will always fail in their endeavors from time to time.
Failure, as well as success, is also a teacher, and a child who knows what it feels like to fail and start over will learn that it is fearless to make mistakes.
6. Find out what really matters to your child.
Instead of telling your child what to do, start by asking what he loves or wants to do.
You may be surprised at the answers. Gradually narrow down your questions to learn about interests, friendships, and future plans.
You must open in order to hear what you do not always want to hear - be prepared to go for it and just listen.
7. Let your child explore his inner world without instruction and influence.
Often remind yourself that your child is not you, and that the expression of his talents is not a direct reflection of who you are or what you have achieved in life.
By allowing your child to explore his own interests, no matter how far they deviate from your own, you provide a safe learning environment that will ultimately allow your child to reach his potential.
Be calm if your child has other interests. Set aside your own doubts: for example, your child loves beetles and everything connected with them, but as a child you thought that beetles were disgusting.
Instead of trying to divert your child from insects, take him in and try to find out more about what matters to him.
- Encourage your child’s expectations so that he learns to achieve his goals, even if this is not the ultimate goal.
This is a learning process to get involved in something, to study pitfalls.
Understanding that children grow out of interests is also an important part of not making a child remain trapped in their own obsession.
8. Focus on being an adviser, not a coach.
Perhaps you felt rather depressed and completely absorbed in raising children.
The society expects from each parent that he will be perfect and perfect, and this depresses.
Parents strive to control their child’s entire life to become such an ideal, so it’s easy for parents to lose themselves in your child’s life.
However, you and your child need simple free time for parents and free time for your child.
If you focus on your role as a parent as an adviser rather than as a permanent trainer, you will get more time to work on things that mean a lot to you (besides your child!).
And never forget that regular unattended games are an integral part of childhood.
Do not be afraid to seek help. Nanny, friends, family and others - all this is available to help you relax, give you space and time to distract from constant parenting.
Think of your own relationships.
Before the advent of children, you could have had a whole world of social ties, but if now you feel that you are more focused on your child’s relationship than on your own, you have too deeply integrated into your child’s life.
You should redirect most of your attention to relationships with adults.
Keep in touch not only with friends, but also with your spouse.
By modeling good, healthy relationships with others, your child will see how you can maintain friendships by combining the rest of your life, instead of feeling that he is the only focus in your life.
9. Chase your own dream.
Who says it's over now when you're a parent?
Such conversations are negative and are often associated with the fact that misconceptions about other people's expectations weaken your enthusiasm and will.
If you still regret that you have not reached your dream or goal, seriously consider returning to it.
Instead of making your child a pawn in what you want from life, free him and go for the dream.
It is never too late when you have the will and determination to accept the challenge.
In the end, you made your child do it for you for a while, so show him that you really have changed.