This question worries many people who have experienced parting with a loved one, and is also a frequent topic in consultations with a psychologist. My research, in which 68 men and women who survived the experience of breaking up with a regular partner took part, was an attempt to delve into the psychological world of the trauma survivor of the gap and find a solution to this problem.
According to the study, for 60% survivors of a break in a relationship with a partner difficult, traumatic event, leading to psychological discomfort, frustration, a sense of humiliation and damage to the sense of self-worth. The breakup shook and deep convictions these people about devotion, love, family and others. That is, both feelings and emotions of a person, as well as his way of thinking, worldview, system of beliefs and convictions turned out to be wounded. Such a reaction to a difficult event, which is parting, is described in my research by the concept post-traumatic cognitive-emotional complex (hereinafter the abbreviation PTK is used), covering the sphere of feelings and the sphere of thoughts of a person who has suffered from a break in relations with a partner.
As the results of the study showed, after the separation, two main components prevail in the emotional field of the PTC - aggression complex (consisting of emotions such as bitterness / bitterness, irritation, desire for revenge and retribution, auto-aggression) and victim complex (resentment, helplessness, humiliation, apathy / sadness, painful memories, decreased vitality, etc.). Moreover, the severity of sacrifice among women who survived the separation is significantly higher than among men.
The complex of "victims" manifested in the following emotional settings:
ü a person perceives himself as a victim, endowing the role of a “persecutor” of another person and / or external circumstances,
ü a person perceives himself helpless and unable to cope with the consequences of what happened,
ü the person rather blames himself for what happened, for not having prevented the “catastrophic” development of events and / or for being unable to cope with it,
In the interpretation of these differences in men and women, cultural characteristics should be taken into account. In Russian culture, female sacrifice, as a rule, is not just a socially acceptable, but unconditionally approved quality, and an active, aggressive stance is usually condemned, despite the westernization of modern Russian society.
The complex of "aggression" is associated with a sense of injustice, and aggression can turn into a form of auto-aggression and self-accusation. Among other manifestations, in my opinion, it is necessary to indicate secondary alexithymia as a state of global inhibition of feelings or “emotional stupor”.
In addition to these two components - sacrifice and aggressiveness - in the emotional field of the PTC there are obsessive thoughts about the event and its consequences, avoidance of situations and / or objects associated with the event, a subdepressive state, a sense of hopelessness, psychosomatic symptoms and even suicidal tendencies. As a result, difficulties arise in the performance of ordinary household and / or official duties.
This emotional state of personality is largely due to negative thoughts and attitudes, which are formed in the process of experiencing the trauma of separation, which is the cognitive part of the PTC. Thinking injured by rupture of a person has a number of features:
ü The usual attitudes are touched, namely self-acceptance, a sense of self-worth and justice and the goodwill of the surrounding world.
ü At the same time, a unique position with respect to these attitudes prevails in thinking (“Peace must be fair”, “there is only one love in life”, “betrayal is never forgiven” etc.), very rigid beliefs and beliefs take place, which explains the duration and severity of the emotional reaction.
ü People who develop PTC, as a rule, are distinguished by a focus on achievement and a high degree of commitment and a tendency to self-sacrifice.
ü In addition, they have a tendency to think in terms of guilt and accepting guilt on themselves. Such an event as a divorce is perceived by them as a very offensive, traumatic and humiliating event.
In addition to the general characteristics of thinking traumatized by the separation of people in the study, it was possible to identify two core beliefs, that are dysfunctional and are interconnected with a negative emotional complex.
Firstly, it’s a tendency to excessivedepending on the assessment and approval of your former partner. In fact, finding themselves in a situation of alienation and rejection by their partner, they seemed to transfer his negative assessment to their own self-perception, which contributed to the formation of an anxious, sad, depressed state, repeating thoughts and painful memories. This belief may be expressed in the following phrase: “If someone important to me expects me to do something, I really have to do it.”
Secondly, it's a dysfunctional attitude towards loveto which respondents with high levels of PTC show excessive dependence, and therefore parting with a partner is very painful for them. Such an attitude refers to the statement: "If the people I care about refuse me, it means that something is wrong with me." As soon as they begin to feel that the partner is slowly moving away, a painful, panic sensation arises, comparable to withdrawal syndrome (“breaking”).
If you ask a question, which explains the expressed negative reaction to a difficult, but still quite ordinary and quite frequent event, then today we can only reason on this topic, making various assumptions. The author of this article as root cause development of PTC in a situation of separation sees personal story rooted in in parent-child relationship and the history of the primary family, in particular the style of relationship between mother and child. This assumption confirms the strong interdependence between the degree of PTC manifestation and the orientation of the injured person to the negative past, i.e. the more parted people think about the negative aspects of their past life, usually associated with the parent family and parent-child relationships, the more likely the development of PTC in an explicit form. A more detailed discussion of the reasons for the development of PTC may be the subject of a separate article.
According to the claims of survivors of separation, almost all of them do not enter into a permanent relationship with a new partner already for 5 years or more. Moreover, among those living with a new partner in a registered marriage, the vast majority either do not experience PTC at all, or its manifestation is weak. Thus, the level of PTC directly affects the likelihood of new relationships, satisfaction with them.
What prevents them from finding a suitable partner and building a new relationship?
The biggest obstacle to a person who has parted as an injury is their internal passive or indifferent attitude toward building new relationships or in other words, internal unpreparedness for a new relationship. Despite the fact that a person may suffer from loneliness and even attempt to make new acquaintances, internally she is not ready for a new closeness. Interestingly, among men after the break, according to the study, there are no initiators of new relationships at all. Thus, the negative characteristics of thinking, the prevailing dysfunctional beliefs, as well as the emotional complexes of “victim” and “aggression” contribute to the preservation of conscious or unconscious dependence on the former partner and impede new relationships.
How can the work of a psychologist be built with clients experiencing the trauma of separation and having difficulties in building new relationships with a partner?
It is often difficult for a person who finds himself in such a situation to independently experience, express, realize the whole complex set of emotions, and the negative thoughts and attitudes that feed them. That's why appeal to the psychologist in these situations - the most correct and effective solution.
Clients with a pronounced PTC are often prone to mistrust, adhere to fatalistic views and experience bitterness / bitterness as a negative and quite aggressive emotional complex. They express a certain cynicism and reproaches in relation to themselves and the psychologist working with them, and also often refuse psychological intervention, being afraid to face accusations against them. Clients refuse to recognize their negative and unwanted emotions, especially anger, humiliation, deny and suppress their thoughts about the desired revenge, because they contradict their personal self-concept and moral beliefs. Therefore, in such cases, the work to identify and accept the client's negative emotions can be quite difficult. Here, not only may be especially important empathic hearing, but also joining a psychologist to negative emotions and saying them on your own behalf ("if I were you.").
It should be remembered that the PTK is, first of all, the result of shaky deep convictions, which for one reason or another were very rigid and inflexible. Identification and elaboration of dysfunctional, rigid beliefs, as well as replacing them with positive and productive attitudes is an important part of the psychologist’s work.
I would like to draw the attention of psychologists to the importance of working with clients who suffered from the trauma of parting in the format "here and now". Very often, especially in therapeutic relationships with the opposite sex, clients begin to project and “play out” their attitude to potential partners on the psychologist himself. From the experience of the author of this article, it makes sense to return this unproductive pattern of behavior to the client, explaining what the partner entering into a relationship with him can feel and how it can interfere with the development of new relationships.
The competent approach of a psychologist to customers who find themselves in a similar life situation, as well as customer desire freeing yourself from the effects of a traumatic rupture is the key to successfully creating a productive relationship with a new partner.
How to start a new relationship, being married?
only an angel can read to the end all this slobbering nagging
On reciprocity, of course, there are almost no chances
caring in a married position, it turns out, is quite difficult.
even such a dull marriage as mine. incomparably better than the black abyss of loneliness
there is absolutely no guarantee that I can meet someone on the path of life who once again stirs my heart and, moreover, reciprocates.
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How to start a new relationship after breaking up
All of us once parted with loved ones. We left, and left us. It is most difficult when the separation comes from only one person and the second remains with feelings of resentment, misunderstanding and loses confidence.
But do not despair and put an end to subsequent relationships. I like the expression that says: “Perhaps God wants us to meet the wrong people before we meet the only person, so that when this happens, we will be grateful.”
The expression of Gabriel García Márquez, like nothing else, suggests that you need to start a new relationship and not worry about past failures, and even that which does not kill us makes us stronger.
But how to build a new relationship after a break so as not to repeat the mistakes of the past?
I would like to tell certain rules:
In no case should you immediately begin a new relationship after the breakup. Let time pass so that everything calms down in your soul. Think about what mistakes you made in a past relationship. Write these errors on a piece of paper, and write down what was the right thing to do in that situation,
Try to understand and forgive your ex. Only after asking will you be able to start a new normal relationship,
Think about what you were and what you now want to be. Spend more time on yourself and allow yourself to do what you could not do in a past relationship. Visit spa treatments or massages, where you could relax, both psychologically and physically,
If you understand that you cannot forgive a person and feel that you are too depressed, contact a psychologist or a person who could help you figure out the situation and let it go,
When you decide to start a new relationship, think in advance what you expect from a new relationship. Perhaps, right now, you don’t need anything serious, and you would just like to spend time with someone,
If you have started a new relationship, do not let the fears of the past ruin your new life. Do not compare your new partner with the past, let your life be a blank sheet on which you write a new love story,
No need to enter into all the details of the past break your new partner. He is not your girlfriend, so you discuss such things. And basically the person with whom you are building a new relationship, such information can be completely unpleasant.
What can prevent you from building a new relationship
More often than not, new relationships fall apart if people cannot stop thinking and, worse, talk about former partners. It is as if they carry the burden of the old in a new relationship, so not two, but three, four are in the relationship.
Stop "rubbing" the affairs of past days and the "terrible" character traits of the former. Those relationships are gone, what's the point of talking about this?
Having survived the breakup, a person may be seized with the desire to drop everything and go somewhere where you can start all over again. Are you very tired and need a break? Set off, but don’t drag a load of old problems to new acquaintances - just don’t tell any details about them, and that’s all.
At the same time, more trust should be shown in new relationships, it brings together. You can have small secrets, but never cheat in the main. If confidence is lost, then it is almost impossible to restore it.
Be patient with his shortcomings. You are also imperfect. Always talk calmly, even if the conversation is unpleasant for you. It will not be difficult for a person who wants to maintain a relationship for a long time to do so.
Afraid to start a relationship?
Love fills life with meaning. But at the same time, a new fear arises - to lose it. In addition, affection for a partner may conflict with our negative beliefs about ourselves. Complexes or the image of a loner can make our life miserable. But they have been with us so much time, they have become so familiar, comfortable - now it is so difficult to part with them!
True love refutes the negative, but familiar to us models of perception of ourselves. This can lead to increased anxiety or even a personality crisis. This phenomenon is called "fear of intimacy."
How to start a relationship
Any relationship is a test for our personality. So here is the best advice I can give you.
Relationships are one of the best ways of self-development. It’s hard to fight the fear of intimacy if you don’t have a close relationship. There are many people who could make you happy. But in order to create a productive relationship you need to be prepared to dive into another person and look around carefully. Here are three key steps you can take to start a serious relationship.
Concentrate on your feelings and behavior.
We cannot feel the emotions of another, only our own. It is your state of love that makes you happy and inspired. You can develop your ability to love and care for something else through kind, loving actions. The most amazing thing is that our actions in relation to a person affect what we feel for him. If you act with love, then you feel love.
A woman on a wheelchair and a tattooed man, what unites them? I think love and care
This does not mean that you should start a relationship with the first comer and pretend that you love him. But if you find a person whom you love and respect, be open and turn off the doubting inner voice. This is just tip number two.
Stop listening to inner critic
A blaming inner voice will convince you that you are not worthy of a good relationship. He will criticize your partner. And in every possible way to support your attempts to remain “safe” (and often alone) in a comfort zone - where you and the internal critic will be untouchable and unhappy with life.
Dreaming about relationships is much “safer” and “safer” than making dreams come true.
Track the influence of the past
You need to understand how your past experience is projected onto a new partner. People usually repeat the usual scripts. Всё из ваших ранних отношений с родителями и их отношений между собой влияет на ваш выбор партнёра и отношение к нему.
Through repetition or, conversely, an attempt to avoid it, the past affects us. Understand exactly how - the only way to break out of a vicious circle of failed relationships. You need to take an open look at your story and figure out two things:
- - what makes you choose such partners,
- - what makes you break your close relationship with the people you choose.
Did your parents often swear? As a child, you could subconsciously perceive this as a normal model of relationships and repeat it in the future.
When you research your past in this way, you gain knowledge and tools to stop repeating it. You can become in the relationship what you want and be in the relationship in which you want to be.
Of course, this is not easy. Relationships are not easy at all, but they should not be hard labor. See them as an adventure - like climbing a mountain or traveling around the world. It does not happen that they went perfectly smoothly.
Scary ... but worth it!
Each couple consists of two independent people with their own views on life. This means that sometimes you and your partner can perceive the world in completely different ways. The tension will increase, and the most important thing in such cases is your ability to go through difficult times. Do not turn back at the first difficulties, you must be persistent and resourceful.
We can expect difficulties and meet them with a mixture of strength and weakness. After all, to begin this adventure, we must open our mind and heart to another person. Of course, some connections are stronger, some options are preferable, but any love can grow when we are ready to work on our ability to stay in close relationships.
Translation by Lisa Firestone. Authors of the photo initially, Lotus Carroll, ihave3kids, vfowler, jpstjohn.
Is this the right partner or the wrong one? Yeah, he has at least two flaws ... is he worth my attention? In our time, relationships have become affordable - we can change partners as much as we want. This gave us freedom, but at the same time devalued the relationship. That unique that arises between two people.
We are constantly in doubt: is this a good enough option or is it worth looking for another? These doubts begin to poison our relationship from the very first days. We are afraid to invest in a new connection, suddenly it does not live up to expectations. But to win, you have to take a chance. To become happy in love, you must first invest in it.